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The Are You an Armenian
Test
Take this self scoring test and find out!
Give
yourself one point for each "yes" you give to the following statements:
1. You have at least one Persian
rug or crocheted tablecloth.
2.
You frequently use expressions like "oaf, eeh, and eyaah."
3. You talk with your hands when you're on the phone.
4. You have at least one inlaid tavli board in your closet.
5. You have philo dough, string cheese or See's candy in
your freezer.
6. You think Fresno
is the capital of California.
7.
You get five o'clock shadow at two-thirty. (men)
8. You serve hummus and tabbouleh with your taco chips.
9. You don't buy anything unless you can get it for at least 50%off.
10. You have at least one fruit tree and a patch of cilantro growing in
your back yard.
11. You save string
and toothpicks from restaurants.
12.
You think a "chinook" is a shelf to display your teapots.
13. You have a crock of clarified butter under your sink.
14. You have a picture of Mt. Ararat hanging in your garage.
15. You have a jar of tuttu in your refrigerator or a box
of Uncle Ben's converted rice in your pantry.
16. You think the Star Trek Kardasians are an ancient Armeniantribe.
17. You shovel food on other people's plates when they aren'tlooking
18. You think pilaf is one of the four food groups.
Super bonus points:
1. Add two points if you've ever told anyone that former
California Governor George Deukmejian was a relative.
2. Add two points if you have a video tape of old "Mannix" reruns.
3.
Add five points if you have a recording of Charles Aznavour.
Interpreting your score:
0-5 points: Let's
face it, you're not an Armenian.
6-10 points: You probably know a lot of Armenians or are married to one.
11-15 points: Chances
are extremely high that you're Armenian.
15-20 or more: There's no doubt about it, you'll never fool anyone.You're probably
planning a trip to the old country right now.
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You know your Armenian when ...1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save
and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year.
2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when
they are 50% off.
3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the
bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
4. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil.
5. You use the dishwasher
as a dish rack.
6. You have never used your dishwasher.
7. You eat all meals in the kitchen.
8. You save
grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers.
9. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.
10. You always leave your
shoes at the door.
11. You have a piano in your living room.
12. You play a musical
instrument.
13. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth).
14. You twirl your pen around
your fingers.
15. You hate to waste food.... a. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw
away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. b. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one
leftover chicken wing.
16. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine
tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars.
17. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every
time you stay in a hotel.
18. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets,
which you save/steal every time you get take
out or go to McDonald's.
19. Ditto for paper napkins.
20. You
never order room service.
21. You own a rice cooker.
22. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself.
23.
You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine or law.
24. When you go to a dance party, there are a
wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool.
25. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old
(and they prefer it that way). Or if you're married and 30 years old, you live in The apartment next door to your parents,
or at least in the same neighborhood.
26. Your parents' house is always cold.
27.
Your mom drives her Mercedes to the Price Club.
28. You only make long distance calls after 11 PM.
29. You always
cook too much.
30. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
31.
You e-mail your friends at work, even though you are only 10 feet apart.
32. Your parents send money to their relatives
in ARMENIA.
33. You're always late.
34. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last
piece of food on the table.
35. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or
electronics.
36.
You never discuss your love life with your parents.
37. Your parents are never happy with your grades.
38. You
save your old Coke bottle glasses even though you're never going to use them again.
39. You keep used batteries.
40.
Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
41. Your relatives either work in medicine or real estate.
42.
You tell all your friends about this website.
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Types of Armenians
YOU'RE HYASTANCI IF...
- IF your rims cost more than your
house
- If you wear Lofers
- If your welfare check is bigger than your car payments
- If You wear 4 or 5 stripe adidas
or Badidas
- If you have one eyebrow
- If you think you're in some Armenian Mafia
- If you think everyone's name
is "Ara"
- If your armpits smell like basterma
- if your beamer's liscense plate says Davo em apeh
- If you have
an illegal cell phone from North Hollywood
- If what you're reading is on a stolen/bought or at good guys computer
-
If you playa hate Beirutsis and Barskahyes
YOU'RE BARSKAHYE IF...
- if you have a special way of pronouncing R when
speaking Armenian
- if your last name ends w/ "IAN"
- if you go to Shiraz regularly
- if your name or your cousin's
is ARTIN or ARBI or NARBEH
- If your favirote word is "HEIR" (meaning why)
- If you CALL what you do Break Dancing
-
If you pluck your eyebrows or shave your legs
- If you go to Ararat parties and call them Raves
- if you wear blue contacts
-
if you go "bareeeeeeeeeeev, mamen baben inchbeseeeeeeeeeeeeeeen?"
YOU'RE BEIRUTSI IF...
- You go to Teen Dances every week
- You're
in AYF
- if you always go "yallah"
- if you think that you're the best in everything
- if your name is panos, sako,
george, puzant, garo, rita, sevag, jirayr, anto...or anything else as of that.
- if every sentence you say, you end with
"AGA, SHAKHS, or LAN"
- YOU Become a mechanic in the future after being in law school
- if you have a computer just
for Solitaire
- if you have more oil in your hair than you have in your car
- if you won't date a guy without a car
or money
- if you're very very very tight with money $
- if your parents want you home before 6am
- if your parents
are DEGENERATE gamblers
- if you call your Peachfuzz A Goatee
- if your dad owns a Panose's Bakery, haha
- If you
work at Gap, Millers Outpost, or some "cool" store
- if you buy your clothes from abercrombie or you know , that kinda
stuff
- if you have an ararad masis picture in your TV room
- if you have one of those William Saroyan posters
-
if your dad thinks "oghi for life"
- if you have "dolma" on a weekly basis
- if you like giving only GOLD stuff as gifts |
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Vartanik Jokes
Math Class
Vartanik returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?"
asks the father. "The teacher asked `How much is 2x3` I said "6" replies Vartanik. "But that`s right!" "Yeah, but then she
asked me `How much is 3x2?`" "What`s the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That`s what I said!"
My Son
Vartanik and his three friends are telling stories in a bar. Vartanik
leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because
he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so
many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he`s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for
his birthday." The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns
out he got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he`s so
successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son
started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. In fact, he`s so rich that he just gave his best friend a million in stock
for his birthday." Vartanik comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so
he says, "Well, I`m embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL
a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact, I just found out that he`s gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the
bright side his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday."
The Bet
A guy that was in the bar for awhile goes up to the bartender and says
"you see that cup over there?"(pointing to a small cup behind the counter)"i`ll bet you $100 that i can stand on that table
over there"(pointing to a table at the far end of the bar)"and pee so that it gets into that cup." The bartender smiles and
agrees to the offer, cause, you know, he`s thinking easy money. So the guy goes and stands on the table, does his thing and
starts spinning around in circles, completely missing the cup. The whole time the bartender is smiling, thinking about the
money. So the guy finishes and goes to the bartender, smiling. The bartender said "why are you smiling? you just lost $100."
The guy looked at the bartender and said "yeah, well, you see those guys over there? I bet them $1000 that I could pee all
over your bar, and you`d be smiling."
The Prisoner
A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for
15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it.
He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out
of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then
gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a prisoner,
look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed
your neck . If he wants intercourse, don't resist, just do what he tells you! This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry,
he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me that he found you very attractive, and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey.
I love you too..
Heaven
In class the teacher asks the students which part of your body goes to heaven
first? some students say the heart because Jesus is in our heart. some say the mind because you pray. vartanik raises his
hand and says our legs! the teacher is very surprised so she asks vartanik why do u think its the legs? and vartanik says
because last night I saw my mom her legs spread out and raised in the air she was screaming "ohh god I’m coming"
Bouncing
Vartanik wakes up several nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound
coming from his parents` room. Finally, one morning he says to his mom, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises
and when I look in your bedroom you`re bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well...ah...well,
I`m bouncing on his stomach because he`s fat and that makes him thin again." The boy responds, "That won`t work!" His mom
says, "Why not?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work each day and blows him back
up.
Teacher/My Son
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"? She calls on little Vartanik. He replies, "None, they will all fly away
with the first gun shot." The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little Vartanik says
"I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top
of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that`s gobbled
down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Vartanik replied, "The correct answer is `the one with the wedding ring
on,` but I like your thinking."
Freezer
One day Vartanik dies and goes to heaven. He meets a guy up their named
Gurgen. One day Gurgen says: "Vartanik , how did you die?" Vartanik says: "I froze to death . What about you ?" Gurgen says
: " I thought my wife was cheating on me so i searched the whole house to find a guy . When i didn`t find the guy , i had
a heart attack and died ." Vartanik says: " You stupid moron , if u checked the freezer , we both would have been alive now."
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